More Than Sex Ed: Lea Holzfurtner on Pleasure, Language, and the Art of Meeting Yourself

Lea Holzfurtner is a psychological counselor, certified sex coach, and one of the voices reshaping how we think about sexuality. Direct, informed, and refreshingly shame-free. On Instagram, she shares knowledge with ease, humor, and conviction. It’s never just about sex, but always about language, self-image, and relationships.

In her work, she supports people who want to reconnect with their pleasure – with themselves, with others, with their bodies. She educates, asks smart questions, and creates spaces where uncertainty is just as welcome as curiosity or joy.

In conversation with pjur, Lea talks about libido and orgasm, her day-to-day as a coach, and how we see ourselves. She explains why real knowledge and breaking taboos are key to fulfilling sexuality.

• Lea, you’re a certified sex coach and psychological counselor. How do you explain what you do to someone who’s never heard of it before?

I help people with vulvas – and couples or polycules, too – overcome sex-related issues. I do this full-time in my Berlin practice (and of course, online via video calls for anyone outside the city), but also on TV, in my podcast Berlin Intim, in my book Dein Orgasmus, on social media, in my column and other media features, as well as through audio and video courses.

In sex coaching, we look at where you’re currently at, what goal you’d like to reach, and what’s standing in your way. I then fill in knowledge gaps and we work together to create a strategy that helps you experience the kind of sex you truly want.

• What are the most common concerns people bring to you? And what topics are often surprisingly underestimated?

I specialize in libido and orgasm issues, so the most common concerns I hear are things like: “It works fine on my own, but I want to orgasm with my partner,” “I’ve never had an orgasm,” “Sex has kind of disappeared from our relationship even though we used to want each other a lot,” or “My partner and I want sex at very different frequencies, and it’s becoming a big issue between us.”

What’s often underestimated is the influence of what we’ve wrongly learned about sex and pleasure. Whether from romcoms, porn, pop culture, or music, we’ve all absorbed tons of messages about sex, love, and desire. Many of these are misinformed, and some are outright misogynistic. They tell us what sex should look like, what we’re supposed to enjoy, how our bodies should behave during sex.

All of this keeps us from experiencing real pleasure. Instead, it creates pressure to perform, shame, and stress.

• For many, sex is something that should just “work.” Why is it worth reflecting on and actively developing our sexuality?

That belief is one of the biggest myths. We’re taught that if we love someone, or respect them, or are healthy, or in a stable relationship, then sex should be smooth and easy. Just like in the movies. No awkward moments, no sexual hurdles, no loss of desire. Everything just flows. But studies on long-term relationships tell us otherwise. Sex doesn’t just happen. It requires effort, self-reflection, a better understanding of your own body and needs, learning about sexuality and anatomy, understanding your partner’s desires, planning, and permission for things to not go perfectly. The problem is that sex is nothing like what Hollywood or porn have shown us over the last 70 years. Both are entertainment – not sex education. Most of us have to completely relearn how sex works if we want to experience it in a fulfilling way.

• What happens during a coaching session with you? What does the process look like from the first contact to real-life application?

It all starts with booking an introductory call through my website. The goal is for me, as the coach, to understand the topic and decide whether I can help and whether sex coaching is the right approach. At the same time, it gives clients a chance to get to know me, my training, my approach, and how I view sexuality, so they can see if I’m a good fit for them.

I try to schedule these calls within one or two weeks. If it feels like a match, we move forward with the first session, either in my Berlin practice or online. Before that, I send a first assignment: write out your personal sex history based on 30+ guiding questions and bring it to the first session. This extended intake helps us collect key data and understand your specific challenges. During the sessions themselves, we stay fully clothed and there’s no physical contact. That said, body-based work is essential, so I often assign exercises involving touch, masturbation, or mirror work – solo or with a partner – as homework. These, along with reflection questions, films, books, and other resources, play a major role in the success of the coaching. In the sessions, clients often experience – for the first time – a space where they can talk about fantasies, solo play, fears, or other shame-related aspects of sexuality without being judged. They find openness, permission, expertise, and empathy. That alone can have a powerful effect.

• Let’s be honest: how often is the real issue not in the bedroom but in the mind?

Actually, it’s neither. It’s systemic. It’s about how we talk about pleasure, gender, and sex as a society. What we’re taught – if anything – by biology teachers, parents, or partners. Usually it’s all about avoiding something: unwanted pregnancy, infection, pain. And then there’s everything we pick up between the lines from films, songs, and porn because real sex education is missing.

We’re told sex is only hot when it’s spontaneous. That everyone climaxes quickly from penetration (especially in straight contexts). That men always want sex. That female sexuality is complicated. It’s all nonsense – but we repeat it over and over, and it leads to sexual dysfunction.

Since doctors, gynecologists, and therapists often haven’t learned how to talk about pleasure and sex in a relaxed way either, there are barely any places to get real information. In a sex-negative culture that doesn’t view sexuality as a healthy part of life, we all end up with a lot of misinformation.

• What do you say to people who claim: “I don’t need a sex coach. Everything’s normal”?

Sometimes that’s true. But often, it’s more about people not feeling they’re allowed to show vulnerability or ask for help when it comes to sex. I honestly believe everyone could benefit from a sex coach at some point, because at some point, everyone faces a sexual challenge.

That includes us coaches, therapists, sex workers, sexfluencers, authors – all of us. Even I sometimes wish I had a “Lea” to help me zoom out, tackle problems strategically, fill in knowledge gaps, and remind me I’m not alone. If you’ve ever had a business coach, you might know how transformative it can be to talk things through with someone outside your own head. If you’ve ever hired a consultant, you’ve probably seen how much process knowledge can boost even experienced teams.

• How important are language, terminology, and education in your work? And why are so many terms still wrapped in shame today?

They’re absolutely essential. One major challenge is censorship on social media, which makes my work incredibly difficult. On these platforms, I’m often not allowed to write or say words like vulva, clitoris, orgasm, or sex. Even terms like queer or feminist now trigger restrictions. When I use them, my reach is limited, my content gets suppressed, or – in some cases – my account risks being deleted entirely. That happens again and again. As of July 2025, for example, the educational account @the.vulva.gallery, which had nearly a million followers, was suspended. They used illustrations to highlight the diversity of vulvas, featured expert voices, and helped people feel more at ease in their own bodies.

That’s why I have to speak in code online – eggplants, shells, fireworks. It’s absurd, but it’s reality.

And yet, language is the tool that shapes how we see the world. I want to call things by their actual names – names that aren’t shaped by patriarchal or moralistic baggage. That’s the only way to reduce shame and give people the vocabulary they need to express their desires, needs, questions, or pain. Many of the anatomical terms we use have a history – especially in the German language, which I work in every day. Take Schamlippen and Schamhügel, for example. These are the standard terms for labia and mons pubis, and they literally translate to “shame lips” and “shame mound.” That kind of language carries a clear message, even if it’s been normalized for generations. Why do we still describe our genitals in terms of shame? Why do we keep calling the vulva a vagina?

Available language is political. It reflects who has defined what is “normal,” and it influences what people feel allowed to say out loud. For example, why did school biology books keep illustrating the clitoris as a tiny dot or crescent until 2019, instead of showing its full size – which, by the way, is roughly equivalent to the average penis?

• Do you see lubricants and toys as purely functional tools, or can they also break down mental barriers and open new doors?

To me, toys and lubricants are health products. Just like other medical aids, they should be subsidized by health insurance. Sexual health is part of overall health. We’re only truly healthy when our sexuality is, too – and what that looks like is different for everyone.

Instead of treating conditions like vaginismus, low desire, or erection issues with pharmaceuticals, toys and lubricants could offer a preventative solution – with zero side effects. I’m not a medical doctor, but I have an MBA, a degree in psychology, and a postgraduate qualification in sexology. In both practice and studies, I consistently see how tools like these can effectively resolve issues with pleasure, orgasm, or pain. That’s why I prefer calling them little helpers rather than toys. They’re much more than that.

• Is there a story from your practice that has stuck with you maybe because it moved you, surprised you, or gave you hope?

A woman in her early 30s, heterosexual and newly partnered, came to me because she couldn’t orgasm with her partner. Masturbation worked, but only in a very specific way she felt ashamed of, and that wasn’t compatible with partner sex.

Clinically speaking, she had a masturbation pattern that didn’t (yet) align with penetrative sex. What was this “terribly embarrassing” technique? Not really so terrible. She rubbed against her forearm while keeping her legs tightly pressed together. So, she stimulated her internal clitoris through pressure on the mons pubis and involved her pelvic floor by tensing her legs.

We talked about whether it might be helpful to share this with her partner, to take it out of the shadows. I showed her the anatomy of the vulva and clitoris with a model and explained how rarely the clitoris is actually stimulated through penetration alone. I reassured her that her technique wasn’t unusual and recommended a film for homework in which sexologist Betty Dodson documents 12 women masturbating – all real orgasms, all real bodies, all kinds of tools and techniques, and all of their stories.

It usually doesn’t go that fast, but by our second session, she came back with a beautiful story. She had told her partner about her technique. His response still gives me chills, because this is exactly how we should respond to vulnerable sexual disclosures: “So what? You have an arm, I have an arm. I don’t see the problem.”

That kind of permission – first from me as a coach, then from her partner – took the shame out of the secret. She actually had an orgasm that same day, with her partner present, without penetration. We worked together for a few more sessions. It didn’t resolve everything overnight, but the process she went through is one I’ve seen again and again.

It shows that normalizing and offering small knowledge boosts – like the fact that many people with vulvas orgasm through rubbing or pressure – can solve a big part of the puzzle.

(And yes, she gave me permission to share her story.)

• If you could share one message with everyone struggling with their sexuality or pleasure – what would it be?

Look at how your solo play differs from what you do with partners. That difference often holds the key to the challenges you’re facing. And if you don’t masturbate yet, give yourself permission to enjoy it. There’s no better way to learn what works for you – and to share that knowledge with a partner someday.

The Bottom Line: Sexuality Needs Space – and Words

Lea Holzfurtner makes it clear that sexuality isn’t a destination, but a process that deserves attention and openness. Her work as a coach is both invitation and liberation – a space where desire, language, and self-determination come together.

What stands out most is her view on tools like lubricants and toys. She sees them not as toys, but as essential tools for sexual health. As instruments for better self-knowledge, pleasure, and pain-free intimacy. A perspective we at pjur fully share. Because true intimacy doesn’t come from proximity alone, but from knowledge that connects.

Lea Holzfurtner (MBA/BSc) – she/her – is a clinical sexologist, TV sex coach, and author of “Dein Orgasmus”. Based in Berlin, she coaches couples and people with vulvas both in her private practice and online.

Lea is recognized as an expert on orgasm and libido issues and has been featured in outlets including RTL+, Der Spiegel, Bild, Tagesspiegel, Watson, OK!, Women’s Health, Brigitte, and Desired. On her podcast Berlin Intim, listeners can join real coaching sessions with well-known guests.

She serves on the board of BiBerlin and is a member of the German Society for Sex Research (DGfS).

More from Lea:

Website: Coaching Sex, Pleasure & Orgasm | Lea Holzfurtner | Berlin
Instagram: @sexcoach.berlin

Foto Credit: Private