What Kinky Parties Are Really About: Nico, the Kinky Guide on Safe Spaces, Scene Culture, and the Kinky Guide

Who Is Nico, the Kinky Guide?

Nico is the founder of the Kinky Guide and the Kinky Guide Awards, two initiatives aimed at making the kinky community more visible, safer, and more diverse. As an active member of the scene, Nico not only knows the events but also understands the needs, questions, and challenges faced by people with kinky interests. His mission: to create an open, sex-positive platform that offers guidance, makes knowledge accessible, and centers empowerment. The Kinky Guide is more than just a calendar or overview; it’s an invitation to take your sexuality seriously, to engage with it, and to express it respectfully.

What Exactly Is a Kinky Party?

Somewhere Between Club Night and Safe Space

At first glance, kinky parties aren’t all that different from regular club nights. There’s music ranging from techno to pop, people dancing, and a vibrant, high-energy vibe. But the key difference lies in the mindset: consent and awareness are non-negotiable. No means no — and yes really means yes. If you can’t respect those principles, you have no place at a kinky party. Door policies are firm, and the values are clear. It’s not about debate; it’s about protection — and that intention runs through every part of the event.

These parties also create spaces where sexuality isn’t hidden but expressed openly and consciously. “A lot of people think: this is extreme. But really, it’s just honest,” says Nico. While intimacy in mainstream clubs often happens in secret — behind closed doors or in bathrooms — kinky events allow for open, consensual experiences under hygienic conditions and with clear rules. Visibility here isn’t meant to provoke, but to show respect. And for many, that shift in perspective feels deeply liberating. What may seem jarring at first often starts to feel completely natural after just a bit of experience.

The Idea Behind the Kinky Guide and the Awards

A Platform for Education, Visibility, and Community

At parties, Nico kept getting the same questions: What’s worth going to? Where do you feel safe? Where should you go next? The Kinky Guide was born from a desire to answer exactly those questions in a well-informed, value-driven, and accessible way. Whether on Instagram, the podcast, at events, or on the website, it’s not just about kink — it’s also about STI education, relationship models, and mental health. It’s about making knowledge available while taking a clear stand.

The Kinky Guide Awards, on the other hand, are a platform for the scene itself — a stage for organizers, artists, clubs, and projects that promote an open, diverse, and respectful party culture. “The awards were the next logical step,” says Nico. “We want to celebrate what makes us who we are.” It’s about visibility, but also about recognition. Because what’s happening here is culturally relevant — and that deserves appreciation.

Clichés vs. Reality: How Wild Are Kinky Parties Really?

Extreme? Or Just Honest?

“Sure, there are extreme parties — but they’re the exception, not the rule,” Nico explains. What often seems extreme to outsiders is simply everyday reality for many in the scene: people visibly expressing intimacy, clear rules of engagement, and a culture of respectful interaction. In fact, kinky parties are often more mindful, sober, and structured than your average night out. Many people intentionally avoid alcohol or drugs, because it’s about being present, clear-headed, and creating a safe space. Kink requires responsibility.

What feels like a taboo isn’t the act itself, but the fact that it’s happening openly — visible, consensual, and with integrity. For many newcomers, that’s initially jarring, then strangely freeing. “At my first kinky party, people were having sex right next to me — and at first, it was a shock, because it goes completely against what we’re socially conditioned to accept. But by the second or third party, it felt totally normal.”

Behind the Scenes: How Safe Kinky Events Are Created

Planning, Awareness, and Hygiene as the Foundation

Organizing a kinky event involves far more than music and lighting. Everything is intentional — from choosing the venue (not always easy, especially in cities without established fetish clubs), to booking FLINTA* DJs, to designing the layout of the space. Play areas must be set up safely and hygienically, awareness teams need to be trained, and quiet zones for retreat must be available. That means physically testing the space: lying down on beds, checking if railings are secure, making sure there’s room to move freely.

The biggest challenge? Marketing. For many organizers, Instagram is the only way to reach people — and yet the platform regularly censors or restricts kinky content. “A lot of major accounts were just deleted — no warning, no explanation,” Nico says. That’s why every word and every image has to be chosen carefully. Traditional street flyers aren’t usually an option. Creative freedom is limited, and staying visible remains a constant struggle.

What Makes a Truly Great Kinky Party?

Atmosphere, Intention, and the Right People

A great kinky party comes down to three key ingredients: a clear awareness concept, a meaningful dress code, and the right crowd. The dress code isn’t just surface-level decoration — it’s a signal of respect and commitment. Showing up dressed for the space means showing up with intention. “Black cargo pants and a mesh shirt are not fetishwear. Period.”

Ultimately, it all depends on the vibe of the guests. Openness, attentiveness, and respect can turn any venue into a magical night. “You can organize everything perfectly, but if the crowd doesn’t fit, it falls flat. And sometimes it’s the opposite — low budget, tiny space, but the energy is right. And it becomes unforgettable.”

Safe Spaces for Everyone: How Inclusion Works at Kinky Events

From Wristbands to Pronoun Stickers

For queer folks, newcomers, or anyone unsure of how to navigate the scene, intentional measures are key. These might include wristband systems for communication, icebreaker games, chill-out areas, and practical details like a variety of lubes or dental dams. Inclusive language also plays a role — pronoun stickers, psychologically trained awareness teams, and a zero-tolerance policy for boundary violations help set the tone.

“Inclusion, for us, means action — not just talk,” says Nico. It’s not about forcing everyone to conform. It’s about creating a space where everyone feels free to show up as they are.

Dress Code, Dynamics, and Rituals: What Defines the Scene

Between Structure and Expression

Kinky parties are as diverse as the community itself — from BDSM play events to sex-positive dance nights. Some follow strict hierarchies and rituals, while others embrace more fluid dynamics. Especially structured formats are often found in classic BDSM contexts, with clear rules, defined roles, and intentionally set boundaries.

Nico shares:
“In the classic BDSM scene — for example, at Catonium in Hamburg — fixed rituals and hierarchies are a core element. There are events where subs are only allowed to speak when spoken to, must avoid certain areas, or move through the space in a crouched position. These are structured, play-centered settings with clearly defined rules — but they’re not sex-positive dance parties.”

What unites all these formats is the dress code: latex, leather, lace, or bold, extravagant looks help shape the atmosphere and signal that you want to be part of the space. “If you could wear the outfit to go grocery shopping, it’s probably not kinky enough,” Nico jokes.

Rituals aren’t there for their own sake — they offer orientation. And within that clarity, freedom can unfold.

Powerful Moments: When Intimacy Becomes Visible

Authenticity, Not Voyeurism

Nico vividly remembers one particular session at Hamburg’s Catonium, where he played with two partners: “I was having a session with two play partners, and we had our backs turned to the room — completely immersed. When I turned around, there were 50, 60 people watching. Totally silent, totally respectful. For many, it was a deeply moving moment.”

The feedback ranged from spontaneous thank-yous to heartfelt messages months later, describing how touched people had been by what they witnessed. What moved Nico wasn’t the act of being watched, but the atmosphere — respectful, mindful, and full of presence. It wasn’t voyeurism. It was connection. That, he says, is what it’s all about.

And the consequence of such moments? Once you experience how consciously and lovingly people engage with one another in these spaces, it changes how you see sexuality and intimacy. “It has a different kind of depth,” Nico says. And that’s not just beautiful — it’s political. Because this kind of lived experience challenges social norms not through debate, but through presence, care, and intention.

The Role of Toys and Products at Kinky Events

Style, Functionality, and Symbolism

Whether it’s ropes, impact toys, or collars — many items are more than just tools. They’re expressions of style, connection, and intimacy. Choices are made with care: material, texture, aesthetics — every detail matters. As Nico puts it: “Toys aren’t just functional objects. They’re a reflection of taste and style — and part of the atmosphere. Sometimes it’s not even about using them, but simply having them with you.”

Practical essentials like lube or condoms also play a vital role. They make longer sessions possible, enable safer sex, and enhance physical comfort. “If the lube isn’t good, you feel it. Especially during longer scenes, you need something reliable. Products you can trust.”

These things are never just an afterthought — they’re part of the experience. They support, they protect, they express something. And they make it clear: physicality and responsibility go hand in hand.

Getting Started: Tips for the Kink-Curious

Openness, Respect, and No Pressure

Your first visit to a kinky party doesn’t have to start with a latex catsuit or an intense play scene. What matters most is that you feel comfortable — in your outfit, your mindset, and your boundaries. Do your research, don’t be afraid to ask questions, and approach the night with openness and care. “No one’s forcing you into anything. Your pace matters.”

It helps to read up on awareness policies, dress codes, or wristband systems in advance. And sometimes, just chatting with someone who’s been before can make all the difference. Getting started is often easier than you think — and that’s exactly what makes it so exciting.

Conclusion: Kink Needs Space and Responsibility

Nico, the Kinky Guide demonstrates just how much care, intention, and structure go into organizing kinky events — and why these spaces are so essential for self-determination, visibility, and connection. What becomes especially clear is this: safe spaces don’t happen by accident. They’re the result of deliberate choices. From room design to the right lubricant, everything is part of a bigger picture.

It’s a standard we share at pjur. Because real intimacy happens where knowledge, respect, and the right products come together.

FAQ: Common Questions, Honest Answers

How do you attend a kinky party for the first time?

Look for events that clearly communicate their awareness policies and foster a respectful tone. Read up on the dress code and house rules beforehand, check out personal experiences online, or talk to someone in the scene. Most importantly: move at your own pace. No one expects you to jump in right away. Just being present and curious is enough.

How does awareness work at kinky events?

Awareness means organizers actively create an environment that prioritizes safety and well-being for everyone. This includes trained awareness teams, chill-out spaces, clear rules around consent, and a respectful vibe throughout. Many events also use systems like wristbands or check-ins to better understand and support guests’ individual needs.

What do you wear to a kinky party?

Fetishwear, latex, leather, lace, or bold, extravagant looks — the key is that your outfit shows: I take this space seriously. Dressing intentionally helps create the atmosphere and shows respect for the people around you. A thoughtful look signals that you’re here to be part of the vibe, not just a visitor.

What’s the difference between a kinky party and a BDSM event?

BDSM events are often more structured, with clearly defined roles and a stronger focus on play and protocol. Kinky parties usually offer a looser, club-like environment where music, dancing, and intimacy blend together more fluidly — but always grounded in consent and care.

What products do you need for safe kinky events?

Essential items include high-quality lubricant, condoms, and dental dams — all crucial for hygiene, comfort, and safety. As Nico puts it: “If the lube’s not good, you feel it.” Good products don’t just support the experience; they’re part of taking responsibility for yourself and others.

How do you find a good kinky party in your city?

Resources like the Kinky Guide, Instagram accounts tied to the scene, or local community networks are a great place to start. Look for clear communication, strong values, and a respectful tone. And if you can get a personal recommendation — even better. That’s often the best way in.

About Nico, the Kinky Guide
Nico (he/him) is the founder of the Kinky Guide and the Kinky Guide Awards — initiatives that combine education, visibility, and community within the kinky scene. As a scene insider, podcaster, and event organizer, Nico stands for a sex-positive culture centered on consent, inclusion, and self-determination. Through his work, he reaches people looking for guidance, growth, or simply a good party — with values and respect at the core.

More from Nico:
Website: https://kinkyguide.de/
Instagram: @kinky.guide