Between prejudice and fantasy fulfillment: A conversation with Lilli from the Professional Association for Sex Work

With the WOMAN FIRST campaign, pjur places self-determined female sexuality at the center. Because unfortunately, even in 2026, it is still far from a given that women are allowed to determine their own sexuality. Female sexuality in particular continues to be devalued whenever it does not conform to certain norms and expectations.

We believe that all women should be able to live their sexuality according to their own desires, without being morally condemned or having to justify their way of life.

As part of this campaign, we also interviewed Lilli. For her, sexuality is both a normal part of her private life as well as part of her job: As a sexworker she uses her knowledge and empathy around bodies and intimacy to earn money. 

The conversation with Lilli shows that self-determined sexuality can take many forms and that these – so long as they are based on consent – do not necessarily have to be understandable to everyone in order to be valid.

Sex work is widely discussed politically and socially, yet the work is still considered indecent by many, or seen as an involuntary last resort.

This interview reminded us once again that, especially when it comes to polarizing topics, it is crucial to talk with the people concerned rather than merely about them.

The Professional Association for Sex Work, of which Lilli is a member, has been campaigning nationwide since 2013 to improve working conditions for sex workers, advocate for fair laws, and work toward the destigmatization of the profession. Here you can read more about the association and why it is worth supporting its volunteer work.

If you saw Lilli on the street, you would never guess what she looks like when she’s at work. No stockings, no corset, no high heels. No makeup and short nails. “My style is forest gnome,” she says with a grin. Earthy and green tones, flat boots, pointed sleeves, hoodies.

In her private life, she’s introverted and recharges by spending time alone. “I’m definitely a homebody,” she says, referencing the podcast by Giulia Becker and Chris Sommer. Her room is like a small indoor jungle, and years ago she swapped her desk for a rocking chair with a laptop stand. She relaxes by doing crossword puzzles.

The same woman has been earning her living as a sex worker for more than a decade and is a member of BesD e.V., the only professional association in Germany advocating for the rights of sex workers and fair prostitution laws.

Pure adrenaline: The first appointment with a client

When Lilli entered sex work in her late twenties, it wasn’t a dramatic step but a fairly sober decision. Her regular income covered rent and everyday expenses, but saving money was practically impossible.

“I had a few sex workers in my social circle, and I never found it disreputable. I’ve always seen sex more as a learnable skill. As long as everything is consensual and respectful, I don’t see anything wrong with sharing it with people I’m otherwise not connected to,” she explains.

So she contacted a friend, got the number of an escort agency owner, and met her at a café. “It was incredibly exciting, but she was super friendly and answered all my questions very openly.” For safety, two friends also covered her during her first appointment, not just the agency knew where she was.

She remembers her first client: normal, nice, they calmly talked everything through before getting started. The sex itself was “completely normal, nothing extraordinary.”

“I was incredibly nervous beforehand, but afterward I was very pleased with myself and had 800 euros in my pocket.” Thirty percent went to the agency for placement and advertising, but it was still more money than she had ever earned in two hours.

Regular job versus sex work: Where are clients more annoying?

Outside of sex work, Lilli earns her living as a copywriter. “Unfortunately, that’s nowhere near as well paid,” she says dryly. And the clients are often more exhausting.

“In sex work, most clients are extremely grateful that I take time for them. They’re excited beforehand and happy afterward. As a copywriter, I’m more likely to feel the entitlement mentality: ‘I pay, you deliver.’”

“In most professions, the client decides what’s possible, and companies believe they can replace you at any time. In this job, I offer a service that is both intimate and highly individualized, always on my terms. I like that.”

Independence is important to her. She used to live the classic 9-to-5 office life and ultimately decided against it. “As a freelancer, I often work more and longer hours in practice, but my time belongs to me, and I decide where my energy goes.”

“I would always choose the gangbang”: Emotional labor as a hidden burnout risk

In the past, Lilli also offered overnights and the full “girlfriend experience”: going out for a fancy dinner, classic flirting at the bar, several rounds of sex, staying the night, morning sex. “I’m not a morning person, and the acting involved, pretending not to be annoyed but aroused, completely drained me.”

It’s not the sexual practices that tire her out, but the duration of what she calls emotional labor. “All the conversations, constantly maintaining attention, always being charming, always staying present.” After such long dates, the high fee felt more like compensation for pain. “Afterwards, I didn’t feel like doing anything for a week.”

Then she says something that would probably make many non–sex workers gasp for air:
“If I had the choice between a commercial gangbang with ten men and going home after four hours, or spending four hours flirting, chatting, eating, and having sex with one man for the same money – I would ALWAYS choose the gangbang.”

Many colleagues feel the same way, she says. “But to people outside of sex work, that often sounds completely bizarre.”

“There is often a completely distorted image of sex work”

Since Germany’s  Prostitute Protection Act came into force in 2017, so-called gangbang parties have been banned as supposedly inhumane or misogynistic.

Lilli has a clear opinion on this:

“People who aren’t involved in sex work themselves often have a completely distorted image of it. Someone who is statistically likely to be heterosexual, monogamous, and only sexually active with the lights off often can’t even imagine sleeping with someone they don’t love – let alone getting paid for it. When such people are then expected to understand complex issues around consent, voluntariness under capitalism, and the right to freely choose one’s profession, the result is unfair special laws for us sex workers. In the worst case, a ban on buying sex. That’s exactly why it’s so important to me that we have a real voice in Germany through the professional association.”

In the BDSM studio: Professional submissive and switch

Today, Lilli mainly works as a professional submissive and switch, sometimes alone and sometimes together with a dominant colleague. “Basically, I offer everything I feel comfortable doing within the framework of a given session,” she explains.

Generally, intercourse, oral sex, and kissing are part of an appointment unless there are reasons not to want that in a particular situation. “If I don’t like how someone smells, for example, I avoid tongue kissing,” she says.

The BDSM component is highly individual, depending on what clients want. “I’m infinitely adjustable,” she says. “I can be the submissive slave or playfully dominant. I especially enjoy roleplays like age play or pet play, but I also like sensual flogging and canes.”

(c) Ben Nordmann / justnotbed.com

What makes a good sex work client?

Lilli’s clients vary widely. Most are men, occasionally a woman or a couple. What makes a good client in her eyes?

“Above all, the client needs to understand the difference between reality and fantasy, and between a service and a private relationship,” she says. She often notices this already in the emails beforehand, but at the latest in personal interaction. And she adds: “I’m very empathetic and can usually tell quite precisely what people want, but they do need to be able to communicate, at least in broad terms, the direction they’re interested in.”

No matter which BDSM role she plays, Lilli ultimately has control as the service provider. “As a service provider, I’m always the one in charge and have the final say. A smart client lets me build a seductive fantasy world specifically for him, satisfying his needs while subtly allowing me to guide and direct him. That way, everyone is happy in the end.”

Polyamorous pillow princess

Lilli lives polyamorously, with several committed relationships at the same time. “The youngest relationship has been going for about seven years, the oldest for around fifteen,” she says. She lives with two of her partners, and everyone knows everything about her work.

Interestingly, in her private life she prefers to be very passive. “I once read the term ‘pillow princess’ on Reddit, and I’ve decided to just claim it,” she says, laughing. “At work, I’m the active one who drives things forward – and unfortunately also the one who usually has to be on top during sex. But for money, that’s fine.”

The younger adult family members know about her job; the older ones do not. “There are so many prejudices around coercion and violence. I don’t want them to worry about me.”

(c) BesD e.V. 15.08.2019 Hurenkongress

Why membership in the professional association matters to her

Lilli is a member of BesD e.V., the Professional Association for Erotic and Sexual Services. The association is entirely self-organized by sex workers and is the largest of its kind in Europe.

“Still, it’s a constant battle against prejudice, fake news, and opponents of prostitution,” she sighs. “I’m convinced that if BesD didn’t exist and hadn’t consistently spoken up over the years, conservative politicians in this country would already have happily introduced a ban on buying sex. We also exchange internationally and know how much colleagues in France and Ireland suffer under anti-prostitution laws.”

Lilli believes it’s essential that counseling centers support people in precarious situations and that authorities take strong action against sexual exploitation, human trafficking, and pimping. “But I also want someone to proactively stand up for the fact that laws must not be made on the backs of sex workers and to our detriment. The damage caused by the Prostitute Protection Act is bad enough – mandatory counseling and the ‘whore ID’ being prime examples. Still, I hope that the upcoming evaluation will lead to improvements.”

Through the association, Lilli has also connected with many colleagues across Germany.

“There are internal Telegram groups, workshops where sex workers teach each other things, and spaces for exchange without stigma. Being able to speak openly about the job or ask questions among colleagues only, without being judged, that really helps.”

Do you have professional sex tips for our readers?

Lilli pauses for a moment, then says:

“Maybe this: It’s okay to do what you feel like in bed. If you think you’re perverted or something is wrong with you, you can be pretty sure there are entire porn websites dedicated to your fantasy. You’re very likely not alone.”

She considers consent and personal boundaries just as important. “Don’t let yourself be pressured into anything you’re not really into. You don’t have to try everything or follow every trend.”

“In recent years, I’ve unfortunately read very often about young people suddenly and without prior agreement being confronted with edge play like breath control, especially choking, and wondering whether that’s okay because they saw it in porn. As a BDSM practitioner who plays very intensely in her private life, I can tell you: it’s not okay and it’s extremely dangerous. Compressing the neck is an unsafe practice that can lead to serious injury and death. You are always primarily responsible for taking good care of yourself and doing what’s good for you – during sex and elsewhere. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to manipulate you.”

Final words?

“I do sex work for money,” she says. “Just like I worked other jobs for money before. The difference is that this job suits me even better and my clients are usually much more grateful.

Because I want to continue doing this work legally for as long as I enjoy it, I’m a member of BesD and thereby strengthen the association. I wholeheartedly recommend membership to all colleagues, no matter where they work. The more of us there are, the more we are heard. I think we all want safety, rights, and less judgment of our work – and BesD is committed to exactly that.”

About Lilli

(c) Lilli

Lilli is in her early forties and lives in a large German city. Alongside other “mainstream” jobs, she has been earning money regularly in sex work for around twelve years. She has experience in various areas of the industry, as a classic escort with hotel visits and overnight stays, working evenings in clubs, and in BDSM studios/apartments in both dominant and submissive sexual roleplays. She has been a member of BesD e.V., the Professional Association for Sex Workers in Germany, for many years. Together with colleagues from all over Germany, she advocates for laws around prostitution not to be made over the heads of those affected, and for prejudices and moral condemnation toward sexual services and the people who provide them to finally diminish.

In the Professional Association for Erotic and Sexual Services (BesD), sex workers themselves work toward improving working conditions, advocating for fair laws, and destigmatizing the profession. You can learn more about the association and why it’s worth supporting its volunteer work here: www.berufsverband-sexarbeit.de

Social Media: Facebook

Bildrechte Header: Copyright Lilli.