More Than Escort. Jay Stark on Intimacy, Trust and First Times

When people hear the word escort, they often have a certain image in mind. For some, it is a form of luxury; for others, it is a taboo subject. Hardly any area of sexuality is as strongly associated with prejudice as sex work, and yet very few people know how diverse it actually is. And it has long been part of social reality. According to the study “Health and Sexuality in Germany” (GeSiD), around one in four men in Germany has paid for sexual services at least once. This is particularly common among men between the ages of 46 and 55.*1 At the same time, more than 32,000 sex workers were registered in Germany under the Prostitutes Protection Act at the end of 2024 – and the trend is rising. However, experts assume that the actual number is significantly higher, as not all activities are officially recorded.*2

Hardly any profession is discussed as controversially, and yet the people who actually do this work are unfortunately far too rarely given a voice.

For our blog post, we spoke with Jay Stark. Jay is non-binary and pansexual and would like to be addressed using they/them pronouns. They work as a queer escort and describe their work as Supportive Sexwork. A term that makes you curious and at the same time sums up quite well what it is all about: accompanying people on their journey towards sexual fulfilment and creating an environment in which sexuality can be experienced without pressure. Jay’s own queer identity also influences how they approach people. For this reason, Jay consciously tries to move away from traditional role models and fixed expectations. This creates space for experiences that many people may not have previously thought they could have.

More Than Just Companionship

The term escort comes from the English to escort and initially simply means to accompany someone. This is also where the origins of this form of sex work lie. People book escorts to spend time together. Whether at a dinner, an event, while travelling or in a private setting. Sexuality can be part of these encounters, but it does not have to be.

Historically speaking, this form of companionship is not new. As early as ancient Greece, so-called hetairai accompanied influential personalities. They were considered educated and cultured and were known for their conversational skills just as much as for their social presence.

In medieval Europe, too, there are early parallels to what is understood as escort today, although in a different social context. Within the framework of chivalry, the so-called lady of the heart was regarded as a symbol of honour, inspiration and happiness. For the knight, she usually remained unattainable but served as a source of motivation and was often revered as a personal good-luck charm. These women were often distinguished by their education, social status and charisma. For example, they would give their admirers flowers or support them with songs and words of encouragement – for instance before knightly tournaments or other competitions. Their role went far beyond that of a mere companion: they were regarded as important emotional and intellectual support and played a decisive role in shaping the ideal of courtly love.*3

Of course, modern escorting cannot be equated with historical roles. However, these examples show that interpersonal companionship has been part of different cultures for centuries and encompasses much more than sexuality alone.

Jay also experiences that many people initially seek their services with fixed ideas in mind. They explain that most people are primarily familiar with the images that the media conveys about escorting. However, escorting is above all about offering people a space where curiosity, uncertainty and openness are welcome.

The term “Supportive Sexwork” therefore describes Jay’s work much better than escort alone. The idea behind it is to accompany people through their first experiences with the subject and to show them that sexuality does not have to be an area characterised by shame or performance pressure.

“I First Had to Find the Courage.”

Interestingly, the idea of offering escort services had already been present in Jay’s mind at an early age. Nevertheless, it took many years before they actually took the first step. At the age of 19, they already felt the desire to help other people. However, not in the traditional sense, but in a way that suited them. It was not until their late twenties that they found the courage to register on a platform, but after the first meeting they immediately knew that they had made the right decision.

Some people want to have their first sexual experiences or have had little experience with sexuality so far. Others want a safe environment in which to explore new sides of their sexuality, try out certain desires or overcome long-standing insecurities.

“First times” in this context therefore do not only mean the first sexual contact ever. It can just as much mean the first experience with a particular practice, trying out a desire that has not previously been acted upon, or simply addressing a particular part of one’s own sexuality for the first time in a protected environment.

Between Clichés and Reality

When sex work is discussed, it is often about extremes. Either it is romanticised or condemned. There is hardly any room in between for the people who actually do this work, and this continues to shape many prejudices today.

One of the most common assumptions is that sex workers have no other choice or are fundamentally unhappy. In reality, this cannot be said so generally. As in many other professions, there are very different realities and motivations. While some people enter sex work for financial reasons, others consciously choose it.

This is also reflected in scientific research. A Berlin study among students found that around seven percent of the students surveyed had already gained experience in the sex industry. Whether in escorting, in front of a webcam, in pornography or in other areas. The most common reason was the prospect of a higher income. Other reasons mentioned included financial difficulties, flexible working hours, curiosity or self-affirmation. Particularly interesting: There was no difference in general happiness between students with and without experience in sex work. Those who were able to talk openly about their work and discuss it with others also reported social isolation less frequently.*4

Against this background, Jay’s work cannot be reduced to a single motivation or a particular type of encounter either. Jay repeatedly experiences that people are surprised when they meet them. In their experience, one particularly persistent prejudice is that sex workers are uneducated or only do their job because they have no alternatives. Yet they have met people in the industry who could hardly be more different from one another. Academics, entrepreneurs, artists or people with very conventional professional qualifications.

However, there is something even more fundamental about this discussion that bothers Jay: If sex workers repeatedly have to point to their intelligence or education in order to counter prejudices, it creates the impression that they first have to earn respectful treatment through special achievements. Yet a person’s dignity depends neither on their level of education nor on their profession. Every person deserves respect, without having to justify themselves or prove anything.

Another cliché also regularly comes up in their work: that escorting is easy money. Anyone who takes a closer look quickly realises how far this idea is from reality. Escorting means much more than spending time with clients. Behind every meeting there is organisation, communication and responsibility. Appointments have to be planned, travel coordinated and boundaries clearly communicated. At the same time, the profession requires a high degree of understanding of people, empathy and emotional presence. These skills do not develop overnight. They grow with every encounter and every experience.

There is also something that outsiders often underestimate: “There is an enormous amount of emotional work and understanding of people involved, which continues to develop over the years. In addition, you organise yourself completely – just like any other self-employed person. I wish people would recognise how many skills this profession requires. Then respect for sex work as a whole would also grow.”

What Supportive Sexwork Means to Jay

Jay works as a queer escort and describes their work as Supportive Sexwork. For them, the focus is not on a specific sexual experience, but on accompanying an individual person. Their guests come to them with different wishes, questions and circumstances. A new practice or a previously unfulfilled desire can also be the reason for an encounter.

When “first times” are mentioned in connection with Jay’s work, this can therefore mean many things: the first sexual contact ever, the first encounter with an escort or the first experience with a particular practice. What matters most to them is accompanying people through their individual experiences and providing them with an environment in which they can explore their sexuality.

Much More Often, It Is About Insecurity Than Sex

Jay’s work in particular shows that an escort encounter is not automatically about as much or as extraordinary sex as possible. Anyone who has never had contact with an escort may assume that the meetings revolve entirely around sexuality. But Jay describes their work differently. They describe it as a space where uncertainty is explicitly allowed. A place where nobody has to perform and where questions are just as natural as pauses or a shared conversation.

Often, they say, this is precisely the moment that surprises people the most.

“The essential thing is often not the sex at all. It is being seen. Being yourself for a short time, receiving undivided attention, being allowed to show yourself without having to perform in return. In this atmosphere, a first time can become incredibly comforting and relaxed.”

Because in such cases, it is not the sex itself that remains most strongly in the memory, but the feeling of simply being allowed to be yourself for the first time in a long time. Such an experience can have an impact beyond the actual encounter and change the way someone sees their own sexuality, their body or even themselves. Some people instead change the way they see themselves. Anyone who experiences being accepted without having to achieve anything often carries this feeling with them long after the actual meeting.

Why First Times Are Rarely Perfect – and Why That Is Completely Okay

Jay’s clients are not alone in feeling uncertain about a new experience. Many people know the pressure of wanting to do everything right during their first kiss, first sex or when trying out a new practice.

You want to do everything right and appear as relaxed as possible. Exactly this expectation puts many people under pressure. Jay experiences this regularly as well. Many of the people they accompany feel that they have to perform. Some are ashamed because they have little or no sexual experience at their age, while others worry that they will not live up to their partner’s expectations.

For Jay, however, a good experience begins long before the clothes come off.

“New things are always a challenge – and a little nervousness is actually good for you. What makes a truly positive experience is a safe environment in which I feel comfortable trying something I have never done before. I need to trust the person I am with and have a feeling of safety.”

That is precisely why, Jay explains, reality is often different from the scenarios we imagine in our heads.

“Not everything that seems exciting in your imagination feels equally appealing to your own desire in reality. On top of that, the unfamiliar situation, curiosity and nervousness often cause the body to react differently than it does during the hours you spend alone. I’ve had first times that went exactly like a picture book. But far more often, there were encounters where the new impressions meant that, for example, an erection was not as present as hoped, or an orgasm did not come as easily as it does at home alone. That is completely normal and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.”

Much more important than achieving a specific result is therefore the openness to wanting to experience something new at all.

Be Curious Instead of Perfect

When asked what advice they would give people who are curious about sexuality but do not know where to start, Jay does not have to think for long. Their most important tip is: inform yourself.

Podcasts, books or videos can help you get to know your own sense of pleasure better and reduce apprehension. At the same time, they recommend taking your time and not feeling that you have to experience everything immediately.

One way to initially have an informal conversation is Jay’s Plauderdates. These dates are initially not about sexuality at all, but about getting to know each other. Questions are welcome, insecurities are given space, and both sides can find out whether they feel comfortable with each other.

At the same time, Jay points out that good preparation is also part of professional support. Detailed consultation, addressing personal questions and careful preparation all take time. As in other forms of self-employment, they are therefore part of the service.

Self-Care Also Shows in the Little Things

For Jay, a positive sexual experience involves not only emotional but also physical safety. Sometimes it is about first experiences, sometimes about desires that have not had a place for a long time. Practices that one might otherwise not talk about so openly can also be part of this. Anal sex is one of them. There is a lot of curiosity about it, while at the same time there are many uncertainties and apprehensions. Jay wants to give people the opportunity to approach such experiences without pressure and at their own pace.

In their opinion, lubricant is often underestimated. It can increase comfort, improve the physical sensation and help both people focus on each other in a more relaxed way. Especially when it comes to anal practices, they therefore rely on quality.

Incidentally, they did not discover their personal favourite when it comes to lubricant themselves, they say with a smile, but through a guest: pjur BACK DOOR. Since then, the product has naturally become part of their routine, because “My pleasure, my comfort and my safety are worth it.”

When asked what a modern, sex-positive culture means to them, Jay does not have to think for long. For them, it begins where sexuality is understood as a natural part of life. Without shame, but at the same time with respect. Sexuality can be everyday and still remain something special.

Conclusion

Escort is much more than the image often conveyed in films or headlines.

It is about encounters, trust, communication and accompanying people through their first steps or new experiences. The conversation with Jay shows how much empathy, professionalism and understanding of people are behind their work. At the same time, it makes clear that many prejudices have less to do with reality than with social perceptions.

Perhaps that is precisely why openness is the most important step. Because only when we start talking about sexuality without shame and prejudice can space be created for understanding and positive experiences.

FAQ

What is the difference between escorting and prostitution?

Escort primarily describes companionship that is booked for a specific period of time. Depending on the agreement, intimacy and sex can be part of a meeting, but they do not have to be. Many escort dates consist of conversations, shared activities or accompanying someone to events.

Why do people use escort services?

The reasons vary greatly. Some people want closeness or company, while others want to gain new experiences or explore their sexuality in a safe environment. People with little sexual experience or insecurities may also specifically seek support.

Do escorts work voluntarily?

As in many other professions, there are different realities of life. However, many escorts consciously choose this work and experience it as a self-determined form of employment.

Is escorting legal in Germany?

Yes. Sex work is generally legal in Germany and is regulated by the Prostitutes Protection Act. This includes, among other things, registration requirements and regular health consultations.

What role does communication play during an escort date?

A very important one. Wishes and boundaries are communicated before a meeting even takes place. Openness and mutual respect form the basis of every encounter.

Why is a high-quality lubricant useful?

A good lubricant can increase safety and well-being. Especially during anal practices or longer encounters, it helps reduce friction and make the experience more comfortable.

Can escorting help people with their sexual development?

Many escorts accompany people through first experiences or new desires. This can help reduce insecurities and enable people to become more confident in dealing with their own sexuality.

Can an escort date take place without sex?

Yes. Many encounters consist of conversations, shared activities or simply spending time together. Whether sexuality is part of a meeting is agreed individually. With Jay’s Plauderdates, for example, it is purely about conversation. There is no erotic interaction whatsoever.

What does Supportive Sexwork mean?

Supportive Sexwork describes an approach in which sexuality is not the sole focus. The aim is to accompany people and create a safe space for new experiences and personal development.

How much does a sex worker earn?

As a registered sex worker, you pay taxes as any other self-employed person does. This means that the stated fee for a particular appointment is not the amount that ultimately ends up in the bank account. You can find more information in Jay’s blog post about sex work and taxes.

About Jay

Jay Stark (they/them) is a queer escort and Supportive Sexworker from the Frankfurt and Aschaffenburg area. One focus of their work is accompanying people through first steps and new experiences – and explicitly welcoming uncertainty, curiosity and vulnerability. With Jay, everyone is allowed to be who they are and to feel accepted exactly as they are.

Jay is also continuing their education in the field of sex therapy and shares their thoughts on YouTube and jay-stark.com. Their goal: to bring sexuality back to where it belongs – right in the middle of life. Into a world where shame gives way to curiosity and sexuality can be part of what it means to be fully human.

Website: https://jay-stark.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jaystark_pleasure

Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/jaystark.bsky.social

Blog: https://jay-stark.com/blog/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@jaystark_x

Telegram: https://t.me/+yE011I3mUbE1OWIy

Sources

*1 Health and Sexuality in Germany https://gesid.eu/english/

*2 Prostitutes Protection – Federal Statistical Office https://www.destatis.de/EN/Home/_node.html

*3 World History Encyclopedia: Hetaira

*4 Felicitas Ernst, Nina Romanczuk-Seiferth, Stephan Köhler, Till Amelung & Felix Betzler (2021): “Students in the Sex Industry: Motivations, Feelings, Risks, and Judgments.” Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 586235. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.586235